Three

They say that third times the charm. So I assumed that the third time something rolls around, it would feel okay, it would feel less painful, it would hurt less. It has been three weeks since my family was together, fully, for the very last time. It has been three weeks since I have seen Lacey's beautiful face, felt her sweet spirit, and witnessed her amazing strength. I can't imagine how her parents are feeling, or how my cousins are without their sister.

To me, Lacey represented what was good in the world. She represented beauty, grace, God's love, amazement, and every other good thing, in one very small, 50 pound fabulous package. I am so proud of her for being a role model for kids and adults everywhere. For teaching them perspective, strength, and about all of the love that could be spread around even in the darkest of times.

Life is not guaranteed, and it is scary that we could lose someone so fantastic. I just miss her voice, and miss knowing that she is in the world, making everything better. But I know she has everything now, and she is waiting for us in God's open arms. I have never felt overly spiritual, until thinking about the fact that we will be able to see her again, and I will be part of that magical soul's life again.

I love you Lacey Joy. I can't wait until that moment when we will all be together.

Cities

The dreams of a shiny gold locket

to commemorate the passing of your fiftieth year has long gone.

A reused string of paper clips in its place.

This city belongs to its inhabitants and they belong to it.


A swift rush moves by,

the dust unsettling and resettling in the place they had just left.

The city that housed no change.

No new creations or images.

Replacing vapid changes,

there is the continuous recycle of what has been reused already,

by grandmothers, sisters, great uncles.


In secret compartments of their brain, they rebuild.

Manufacturing a city of such shine and stature it will never get old, but this is the problem

they have already dealt with.

The nuance of new-ness was what demolished the town long ago; or so it is said.

No one can quite remember.


Once someone ran away. He would return to tell tales of what awaited us on the other

side of the fence: hard asphalt, motors, cardboard boxes thrown in landfills each day.


Dreams.


It was believed that he returned because of stupefaction of the neon lights, and blinding

shine of what was beyond us had become too much.

It was only to warn us.

He left after etching in the dirt, words that read our lives would not be spared if we were

open to change.


The wind picked up and dusted over his message before it gave us any bright ideas.

It became a bedtime story

It gave children hope that maybe something was out there.

Swallowed up as a folk tale because we could not accept the difference.

Love Like Lacey

Although I hoped to never write these words, our sweet Princess Lacey is gone from us forever. I am heartbroken and devastated that we will no longer be honored by her presence, but I am so proud of everything she did, how hard she fought, and the ability to call her family. My life was enriched in countless ways for knowing her, and for seeing first hand what a brave soul she was. That is a debt that I will never be able to repay. 

She is now dancing for Jesus, amongst angels. I will miss her sweet voice, caring soul, and telling her elephant jokes. While cancer may have limited her life, it could not limit her spirit, beauty, kindness, or inspiration to others. She was able to inspire and unite a community, a chance many of us never get to have. Her courage and bravery will live on in my heart forever. 

I ask that today, and everyday, in Lacey's honor, that you love unconditionally, and cherish the time you were granted with, and the life you are blessed to have. She fought a very hard battle, and I do not view it as "losing" as some people say, the cancer just became too strong for her body to fight. I will never forget a thing about her, and she will be with me every moment of every day until we are together again for eternity. I am going to miss her so very much, but I am comforted to know that she no longer is plagued by terrible pain. 

"Behaving like a Princess is work. It's not just about looking beautiful or wearing a crown. It's more about how you are inside" 
-Julie Andrews

We all grow up hoping we can fly, and now, she can.

Lights Will Guide You Home

Life is not easy, and it isn't beautiful all the time. It is hard to keep up the illusion of magnificence, the beauty of life when I know that it does not truly exist. When I know that life is inhabited by liars and manipulators and cheaters, instead of the honest, gracious people we are all supposed to be. Wouldn't that make life easier? The truth is, the good people are nothing without the bad people. They are not special, or rare, or remarkable if there aren't people in life to bring us down. Life isn't easy, and it's not beautiful, and that is because we are afraid to embrace the part inside of us that realizes we too, are bad.

"To believe you are magnificent.
And gradually to discover that you are not magnificent.
Enough labor for one human life."